#he will never understand!! he cannot! he knows it! he isn't equipped to get it bc it would destroy him!!

[thyandrawrites]

A look into Li Lun's obsession with choices, and the thematic weight of being understood

Thinking about how Li Lun’s motivator for most of the actions he takes post-break up is a wish to be understood is so fascinating to me because it ties so well into many of the themes of the show. And at the same time, it makes me so sad because so much of that wish comes from the baggage of that messy break-up itself. From the mistaken conclusions he draws from it, and that Zhao Yuanzhou doesn’t really dispel, either. 

According to Li Lun, “friend” is a human term. Throughout the show, demons are said to be different from mortals in that they don't have a structured society. They don't follow rules and laws like humans because they're more primal, obeying instincts and self-interest, since they don't have a collective to answer to. I find this very interesting because if that's true, then it sounds like it was Zhao Yuanzhou, Humanities student extraordinaire, who first slapped a human label to his relationship with Li Lun, defining it as the act of “sharing joy and sorrow” with someone. 

This definition is one that Li Lun seems to accept, up to a point. He even extends its meaning to encompass eternity, making it part of their vows to each other when they infuse their powers to restore the Divine Tree. The line didn't make it to the final version of the show, but here’s how it goes: “To protect the Great Wilderness and die together. To share both joy and sorrow, until death brings it to an end.” (source)

I'm italicizing the last part, spoken by Li Lun, because it sheds light to the weight he gives to this promise. To him, accepting the other as a lifelong companion is not only a given, but also a solemn vow that only death can break. This is further emphasized later on, when he tells Zhao Yuanzhou “The day the malicious energy in your body goes out of control shall be the day the mortal world gets buried with you. By then, I wonder if your friends will choose to kill you or die with you?” 

I think we can take this to mean that Li Lun defines “close friendship” as the ride-or-die willingness to stay unfalteringly at someone's side, even in the face of the world's ostracism and name-calling. At the very least, it connects neatly to what he puts Zhuo Yichen through in the demonization arc. By making ZYC experience the same scorn LL can’t escape, he hopes to make him understand what it's like to be a great demon in a world that hates their kind. Ironically, he does succeed in that. He just ends up not being the intended recipient of it. 

This is the root of Li Lun's character: his struggle to grapple with the complexity of human emotions and intentions.

Li Lun is the type to process conflict as action and reaction. A simple cause and effect that follows natural order. He takes pride in facing things head on, never backing away from anything, so he isn't really equipped to deal with subterfuge or manipulation, which are distinctly human things. Despite knowing and resenting how deceitful mortals are, he’s never prepared for their duplicity. We could say that he’s watched reality through the Truth Eye for so long, he started trusting that his eyes cannot fool him, that he will always know when someone is lying. 

Adding to this, Li Lun is characterized as being more true to his demon nature than Zhao Yuanzhou, who instead tries to escape his own (which he associates with loss of control) and to seek refuge in humanity. Where ZYZ comes to associate an excess of malicious energy as something bad and shameful because he’s the Vessel, Li Lun embraces the darkness inside of him because he sees it as part of who he is. He’s a great demon and a Pagoda Ghost, a tree that attracts malicious energy naturally. So of course he’s meant to have power flowing through his body, and being an extremely forthright person and inflexible in thinking, he sees nothing shameful in taking pride in who he is, in never wanting to be anything else. He firmly rejects wanting to be human, despite how clear it becomes later on that he envies mortals for having an easier time being understood. 

By contrast, Zhao Yuanzhou seeks to escape his own nature – or rather, he seeks to escape the instinctual bloodthirst that he sees as inherent to demon nature. To quote a relevant dialogue here, ZYZ tells this to WX: “Humans are naturally human because they were born humans. While demons need to cultivate hard to become humans. Monsters are simple, but instinctively bloodthirsty. We are more like animals.” To which WX replies: “They want to hunt when they��re hungry. When they’re in danger, they bare their fangs. Humans are a type of animal, but over the course of time, they have created civilization, defined good and evil, and formulated laws and regulations.” 

In other words, Zhao Yuanzhou spends hundreds of thousands of years of cultivation to “become more human” because he is afraid of letting his demon nature dictate his actions. Being the Vessel, the malicious energy inside of him far exceeds anyone else's. Giving way to his instincts is akin to letting his dormant violence run amok and cause irreparable havoc. As a result, he wishes to learn from their civility and resourcefulness. He will always attempt the human way of tackling problems first. Not with raw power the way a demon would, but with human craftiness, cleverness, subterfuge. This is not to say he isn’t above using violence when it suits him too, but he doesn’t default to it with the same lack of remorse Li Lun shows. 

This, however, creates a rift between them: when they discover the dungeons under the clinic, they react in opposite ways to the sorrow in their hearts. Li Lun gives in to his most basic nature. To quote Wen Xiao, he bares his fangs like a wounded animal backed into a corner, wishing to defend itself against a threat. Zhao Yuanzhou, however, had planned to deescalate first, to seek a solution that didn't involve killing more people to correct a wrong. But in a twist of fate, he accidentally hits Li Lun with the Ever Burning Wood, in what is perhaps the cruelest, most treacherous weapon to use against a tree demon. Against a close friend. And that’s a betrayal of everything they’ve ever shared. 

What happened to their vows to each other? If a friend is someone who's meant to share sorrow and joy with, how come Zhao Yuanzhou doesn't share any of the fury Li Lun is going through? Why does he question him instead, calls him crazy? If he cared about protecting the Wilderness, why would he get in the way of punishing humans for how they treat demons? 

To Li Lun, who is so ride-or-die loyal, Zhao Yuanzhou taking the Baize goddess’ side and helping her seal him was more devastating than the fire itself. I can only imagine what it feels like to dedicate 34000 years to someone, only to lose them overnight over your first real fight. This is made worse by the fact that Li Lun admits he had nothing else to call his own, after losing Zhu Yan. His only real match in the whole vast world. The only one that ever understood him. And then ZY goes and picks new friends in a species that has always been deceitful and cruel, lesser and treacherous. 

With his more simplistic, more animalistic thinking, Li Lun can’t make sense of ZY’s motivations. He keeps making it a matter of choices, like it was as simple as picking a side. Why would Zhu Yan defend the oppressors, if he alone had enough power to stomp on the whole mortal realm and wipe it out? Why would he keep surrounding himself with liars and weaklings, if he already had a trusted friend who never lied to him and was always his equal in everything? His new companions don't even come close to ZYZ's level. What does he see in them that LL didn't have? ….was he lying from the start about seeing him as a friend? 

After all, Li Lun has always struggled to parse complex motivators. Since he doesn’t understand that ZYZ’s dislike for giving in to your most basic instincts comes from self-loathing, he takes Zhao Yuanzhou’s attempt at stopping him as hatred for him. So when ZYZ opposes him for the first time, Li Lun makes it a black and white matter. Zhao Yuanzhou hates him because Li Lun killed humans, and killing humans is the thing Zhao Yuanzhou hates the most in the world. 

Of course, we know this is a broad oversimplification. ZYZ’s morality is much more complex than that. Not only has he killed innocent people himself whenever it suited his agenda (the guard at the DHB in episode 1, the pagoda tree girl), but he also had no issue sympathizing with demons who killed a lot of humans, too (Ran Yi, Qing Geng). He also kept Li Lun's primordial root the entire time, was hesitant to oppose him in any way that mattered every time Li Lun possessed someone to target him, and even pleaded ZYC to spare Li Lun’s life. 

None of this paints the picture of a guy who left him in the past. From the outside, however, that’s exactly the impression he gives. You have to know that he did those things, to realize that he still cares. For his part, he never really tries to smooth things over between them. Notably, it’s not even him that offers the root to Li Lun — the thing that finally breaks their miscommunication; it’s Wen Xiao that has to step in and do it for him. But why does Zhao Yuanzhou let it fester for that long? 

If he doesn’t do anything about it sooner, I think it’s because he attributes their separation entirely on Li Lun, citing how it was his choice to “go their separate ways.” It was Li Lun who gave him an umbrella, a symbol of parting for humans, and it was again Li Lun that couldn't forgive him for the accident with the Ever Burning Wood. 

But if Li Lun's rampage wasn't enough to cross him off Zhao Yuanzhou's heart… if he still longs for his presence at his side enough to dream of him alongside the dead Zhao Wan'er at his table, sharing tea together… Then his continued avoidance is meant to tell us more about his character flaws, than any contempt he might have for Li Lun's methods. 

The idea, I think, is that Zhao Yuanzhou cannot face Li Lun after condemning him to burn to his death, even if he didn't do it on purpose. After all, it wouldn't be the first time he beat himself up for things that were entirely out of his control, but that caused so much pain and misery. What's for sure is that ZYZ has a pattern: he always chooses self-punishment to deal with his regret, rather than spend effort into making amends. It's Zhuo Yichen who exposes this flaw of his first, but we have several examples of it throughout the story. Avoiding a proper confrontation with Li Lun until he's backed into dealing with his messy baggage is one. The fact that he kept his identity a secret to Wen Xiao upon meeting her again is another. Then of course there is his ultimate sacrifice itself, giving up his life to repay his “debt” to Zhuo Yichen. 

So it’s a mix of his fear of confronting his past + Li Lun's inability to parse complexity that causes the rift between them. Li Lun becomes convinced that he was easy to discard, despite having been close enough to share destiny itself up until now. And that in turn amps up his belief that it is truly impossible to tell what lies inside a person's mind. After all, even someone he's known intimately for 34000 years ended up harboring what Li Lun perceives as human duplicity – the ability to hypocritically call someone a close friend, only to turn your back on them without warning. 

This is not to say that Li Lun is incapable of lying or manipulation, by the way. He lies to all the demons he cooperates with. He lies to himself about what he wants all the time. His character hang-up is specifically how unprepared he always is to face deceit when he feels common ground with someone. It stems from ZYZ's betrayal, but it's made worse by the fact that he watched reality through the Truth Eye for so long, he lost the ability to make his own judgements, to see nuance. Reality is hardly ever factual or black and white. To quote Zhuo Yichen's brother, “your eyes lie, but your heart will tell you the answer.” Li Lun becomes unable to parse people's true intentions because he trusts only what he can see on the surface. For example, he sees Zhuo Yichen's hatred for the demon who killed his family, but not the developing warmth between them, or ZYC’s unwillingness to betray a comrade who pierced himself on his sword to get Zhuo Yichen out of nightmares, or who bled for him easily, yet used his magic to cure ZYC's wounds when he didn't have to. 

Times and times again, Li Lun flattens complexity into something that is close to the truth, but lacks depth. He reduces it to simpler emotions, more basic reactions. He tries to bring people down to his level so that they can see eye to eye because he wants to be understood, to have that common ground in misery, if he cannot have it joy. Qing Geng must've resented being sealed at Lingxi villa for eternity because Li Lun resents his own captivity and seeks freedom. Wen Xiao must've resented Zhao Yuanzhou for letting her believe someone else had killed her shifu because Li Lun hates him for the cowardice of never facing him after their fight. 

So he backs people into a corner and demands they make a choice, waiting with bated breath for their answer. Sometimes he thinks he knows what they’ll pick – the answer he hopes to get – but then they don’t, and his reaction is always so excessive it reveals the desperation underneath. 

That he was willing to hand over the Yao water to Wen Xiao when he thought they had reached an understanding, despite how he shouldn't be helping her restore the token, is also very telling imo. Sure, one might argue that he only offered the water because he knew the Divine Tree had already withered. But he could've polluted it from the start, and he doesn’t. He could've gotten rid of it altogether, and he chooses not to. I think handing it over counted as a genuine peace offering. He wanted Wen Xiao to be on his side. Just like how he wanted Zhao Yuanzhou to offer him an alternative when he sat down to play go with him, listening to his attempt at negotiation. If he renders the yao water temporarily useless, it's only because Wen Xiao hits his sore spot dead in the center, mocking him for being easily fooled and never learning better. That's always what sets off his rage btw. Thinking he has common ground with someone, only for them to reveal themselves as two-faced.

Much like Zhao Yuanzhou, he’s a character shaped by loss who mistakenly seeks to find meaning in self-destruction and death, even when he knows that cannot cure him of his loneliness. Zhu Yan made new friends, but what does Li Lun have? If he goes up in smoke, what will remain of him if he never made a name for himself? Before he dies, he wants his life to have meant something, so he becomes consumed by the obsessive need to be understood, to be accepted, and lashes out when he isn’t. 

Every traveler seeks shelter from the rain, every person stuck in the depths of an abyss wishes for the light of a lantern showing the way out. And so he keeps demanding, where is my light? Where is my shelter? 

This is of course a nod to the main themes of the story. Li Lun wants to be “chosen firmly”, but he thinks Zhao Yuanzhou prefers humanity over him. And so he keeps asking, with more and more frantic urgency, “What is better? To be a human, or to be a demon?”

But at the end of the day, Zhao Yuanzhou never really gave up on him, despite Li Lun's belief that he had. And it's the reassurance he feels at being chosen firmly, in the end, that makes Li Lun leave Bai Jiu's body for his primordial root. It was a simple truth, in the end. One he could’ve easily reached, if only he had trusted himself enough not to doubt Zhao Yuanzhou. 

This is why I think it's so symbolic that he decides to give up the Truth Eye in the end, deciding to let his heart guide his choices from then on. Even if all he has left to live is a few precious minutes. And why those minutes make a difference, as does his willingness to accept Zhuo Yichen and pass on his powers onto him.  

For all that Li Lun takes pride in his demon nature, at the end of the day he's revealed to have a certain humanity, too. To tie this to what Wen Xiao and Zhao Yuanzhou said about the difference between the two species, animals seek food and shelter, but it's humans who seek a home to return to. And Li Lun starts his journey as an animal “baring his fangs” because he and his kind are being threatened. But his journey eventually confronts him with the question of defining what he actually wants, and what matters to him. And this brings him to embrace his own humanity, to realize he wants a home to return to, not just temporary shelter. Because of this, he's able to devote himself to the protection not only of the Wilderness, but also of the people who have become important to him; Zhao Yuanzhou, yes, but also Zhuo Yichen, to whom he's thankful for having opened his eyes to the real truth: that to love someone is not to bind them to you for eternity, but to set them free. To help them achieve what they want, even when it's not what you'd want for yourself. 

[film-in-my-soul]

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[doctorbluesmanreturns]

Plagiarism, influences, and homages are all different concepts that seem to get conflated a lot so:

Plagiarism is stealing an idea and presenting it as original work. I cannot write works about a time traveling alien called The Doctor and act like it's my own original concept.

Influences are seeing aspects of a different project that you like and making those part of your own writing. I can write works about time travel because I grew up loving Doctor Who, as long as I am not blatantly stealing ideas and presenting them as my own. Also, using genre tropes is influence, not plagiarism. Back to the Future and Doctor Who both feature characters being in the same place as their past selves when their timelines overlap, as do many other time travel plots. Similarly, I can create a militaristic race of aliens bent on conquering the universe as long as they aren't giant salt shakers with a catchphrase.

Homage blurs the lines and is kind of a grey area but, for example, if I were writing a time travel story and featured a side character who is an eccentric alien who saves the day and disappears afterwards, that's different from plagiarism because the audience is in on the joke. Terry Pratchett did that kind of thing a lot where he played with stories and genre expectations (Maskerade is a whole retelling of Phantom of the Opera from the POV of another member of the cast). Similarly, the show Duck Dodgers is Star Trek starring Daffy Duck and Porky Pig. It was clearly written by people who love Star Trek and also love to make fun of Star Trek. This also can blur into the category of spoof. Mel Brooks loved the Universal Horror movies so much that he took great care to make Young Frankenstein as stylistically similar to them as possible including using the original lab equipment from Frankenstein. Again, the important thing with these is that the audience knows going in what you are doing. No one watching Young Frankenstein thought they were seeing Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder's completely original never before seen concept of a mad scientist named Frankenstein bringing a monster to life via lightning storm.

Another important term here is derivative. This is where something isn't actually plagiarism but it would not exist without other properties. There are lots of movies that were only made because of the popularity of Star Wars, or Indiana Jones, or Jaws, or Alien, or any other hugely popular genre defining movie. This doesn't make them necessarily bad but it is an important term to be aware of.

It's important not to conflate all of these concepts to be able to best understand what a book or show or movie is doing and react accordingly and appropriately. The people who actually steal as blatantly as someone like James Somerton are vanishingly rare; his case was remarkable because of how egregious it was. This is an incredibly nuanced topic and needs to be applied on a case by case basis.

(also fanfic is in a whole category by itself and isn't plagiarism unless you try to monetize it)

[pixelprofligate]

this is another Fallout London post. more of a rant but still:

because GOD this is really not good. maybe im just like really critical of stuff but so much of the mod just doesnt add up to...anything? most of the quests are uninteresting or outright present you with dialogue options that outright contradict themselves or basic established lore of the world they've set up, so many locations are near empty and boring as hell to try and explore, with a SIGNIFICANT number of the marked locations having literally nothing to find in them, some of them actually having nothing in them at all, there's tons of NPCs, both generic and some named that have, and i dont mean this hyperbolically, literally no dialogue at all, the mods full of things that are just wrong about britian, like posters calling the tower bridge london bridge, the combat encounters are regularly boring because all the factions are functionally the same in terms of equipment, lots of the weapons you can use have blatantly anachronistic modifications like actual real modern day attachments, all of the "new enemies" are just model swaps that use the same skeleton and movesets and often the same exact sounds as base fallout 4 enemies and often aren't even properly rigged for the skeletons they used (like the fucking assaultron replacement that just constantly clips thru its own model anytime it moves at all because they gave it a skirt it was never built to have), and on top of all of it, the mod itself just breaks all the time. there were multiple times quests couldn't progress because NPCs just didn't say the line of dialogue they were suppose to, completely softlocking their quests (this happened with every single main faction at least once), and to top it off most of the assets actually used in this mod weren't even made for it, most come from the Capital Wasteland Project, but even things like the terminals and most of the guns are just straight up from other mods. also, multiple terminal entries were just outright written by AI. and im not saying that like "oh theyre just poorly written so i assume its AI" i mean the lead dev in their discord fucking confirmed it and said he had no clue it happened. like i get a lot of people worked really hard on this, and i dont want to shit on them, but to call this mod "one of the best things fallout has seen in years" i think is a massive disservice to everything else fallout related weve seen since even 76 came out. this mod is a mess of ideas that rarely add up to anything interesting, with a story that gives you no real reason to care or engage with it, that leads to a fight that fucking sucks so much the final battle is terrible (you're forced into a melee fight with a weapon that isn't any of yours on a tiny catwalk where you have to beat the same guy TWICE in a row, and then he gets great mouse detectived), and ultimately never feels fulfilling. it does so little actually interesting with the factions it made or the area its set in and the fact people absolutely adore this mod fucking baffles me. this mod is not good. i genuinely want to know what people like about this because i cannot understand a single aspect of it, ESPECIALLY the people saying this is better than like, base Fallout 4 itself.

[mosneakers]

After tenderly tucking their two darling daughters safely into their warm and cozy beds, Agnes and Erik retire to the master bedroom, preparing to turn in for the night. A bittersweet image is reflected from the luxurious vanity mirror. With each delicate stroke of Agnes's ornate bronze hair brush, her silky golden locks unveil brief glimpses of a hidden frown.

Coraleye beams in awe, watching Agnes's reflection in the mirror. Coraleye: Grandma, you're the epitome of grace and beauty. Look at you! Agnes: [Gently nudges Corarleye with her elbow] Oh quit that, will you.

Coraleye's smile starts to fade. Coraleye: But you look so sad. Even after getting to move back to your home in Sunset Valley? You really weren't excited about having a third baby at this point, were you?

Agnes: I didn't want to be expecting, no. I least I thought I didn't, anyway. Until this night, when I found out I wasn't. That's when the truth was realized.

Coraleye: Oh...

Erik: Aggy, baby, what is it? I thought you didn't want any more kids right now. I figured you'd be glad about your monthly visitor.

Agnes: [Sniffles] I thought so too, darling. I suppose I allowed myself to become excited about the idea. Turns out I'm actually quite disappointed, if I'm being perfectly honest.

Erik continues offering solace to his wife, urging her to confide in him. The spirit of Agnes guiding Coraleye approaches Erik, studying the remaining youth in his features. She gently rests her hand on his chest; though Erik cannot feel her touch, the emotional resonance of the exchange hits Coraleye like a wave, as she wraps her arms around herself in an attempt to hold herself together.

Agnes: He's so young here; What has time done to you, my love? Coraleye, darling, life is awfully short. I want you to always remember, to hold onto your memories and all your heart's desires for as long as you can, and never make the mistake of not listening to them. One day you'll blink, and your memory won't be like it is now.

Coraleye's trembling frown gives way, and tears drop down her rosy cheeks, unable to contain them any longer.

Erik puts on a record, and the vintage melody fills the room. By her hands, Erik leads Agnes to her feet, where he gently wipes the tears from her face. Erik: Let's dance, honey.

Agnes: [Giggles] Erik! What are you doing? It's getting late, we should get to bed. Erik: Aggy baby, if you want a baby, then I've got work to do! We'll figure out the details later, okay? Agnes laughs joyfully as Erik pulls her in closer for a slow dance.

The spirit-guide Agnes smiles at her great-granddaughter lovingly. Her brows furrow as her focus then hones in on Coraleye's tears, still flowing. She gently wipes away a tear and whispers words of comfort.

Agnes: What's the matter, my love?

Coraleye: [Sniffles and wipes eyes] It's just... you two are so incredibly sweet. The love you share is so obvious. The way he looks at you, Grandma! I'm so scared my future won't measure up to yours, or my parents', even. I worry that I'm falling short of the legacy and everything else.

Agnes: Oh, honey... listen to me. Agnes affectionately traces Coraleye's hair behind her ear.

Agnes: You don't have to go about this in the same manner that we did! Forge your own path, dear. The essence of this legacy lies in granting second chances to someone we love, provided they're deemed worthy. It's a profound responsibility for one heart. Understand, the journey won't be simple should you decide to embrace it. Coraleye: ...Should I decide to embrace it.

Agnes: I share this with you not to instill fear, but to equip you for the challenges that lie ahead. Soon, my dear, you'll face a profound pain that may feel insurmountable. Yet, I know you are very capable of weathering it.

Coraleye: [Concerned tone] Grandma, how do you know this? Are you able to see the future? Agnes: The privilege of magic and resurrections isn't taken lightly, and it doesn't come without consequences. Our currency for second chances and love is excruciating pain. Some may see it as a curse, but I find it makes these tender moments all the sweeter. The choice of who is worthy of navigating this journey by your side, is ultimately up to you.

Coraleye: But Grandma... How will I know who that person is? That they can be trusted?

Agnes: You see the way your grandfather looks at me in this moment? That's how I knew, honey. Coraleye ponders for a brief moment, watching them dance gleefully around the room. As their kisses grow more passionate, she senses that her time to observe is running out. Just before the spirit Agnes concludes the session, Coraleye speaks up, her voice breaking.

Coraleye: I... I think I've seen that look before.

[all-pacas]

How similar is the houseswapped camchase relationship compared to the canon version? Is their relationship less deep due to the lack of prior friendship? Does their knowing less about each other work out in their favour? Had he not been stabbed, how far would the relationship have gone?

I think in some ways it's better, in some ways it's "worse."

They didn't know one another as well, which is a mixed bag, right? On the one hand, they don't have the friendship and built-in trust, but on the other hand there was no room for "lol we're fwb," no meth hookup, no (retroactive from Chase) fears that he was always a second choice or that Cameron never wanted him: they were Dating from moment one, it was much more well-defined. And I think their relationship went really well those first few months, because it was the honeymoon period, they didn't know one another's baggage, they had no visible baggage going in — Chase probably didn't know how intensely Cameron's Dead Husband fucked her up, but he also hadn't witnessed her mooning over another man for years, you know?

But that also meant their crash was inevitable, one way or another. One of the reasons Chase in canon is so patient and understanding with Cameron and her Dead Husband issues is because he knows all about it, he knows her. Likewise, even though Chase is much more private with his baggage, Cameron has witnessed enough of it and knows how to handle his snits (compare her prying in Cursed to her "I'm here when you're ready" approach in S6). I'm sure they did the normal couple thing and swapped backstories, but… it's different to hear it and experience it, you know?

And the stabbing was really the perfect storm, the worst possible way for it all to come to a head. Chase wants to push people away, and Cameron is in full martyr you're so weak and I will protect you mode. Cameron is going to get stressed and run away, Chase isn't going to be patient and wait for her to figure things out. He becomes convinced she doesn't care about him but his injuries, that her love is just pity; she becomes convinced he has shut her out and is revealing his true, cold, self, because she doesn't know that's just how he protects himself. I think if it hadn't happened, something still would have, because Cameron and Chase cannot handle conflict and communication without her running and him shutting down, but… it definitely could have been lesser. And it might have been a longer way away.

(If the stabbing hadn't happened? I bet some kind of Saviors-esque engagement drama would have, only this time without House to push Cameron into action. Chase isn't equipped to wait her out or forgive her in this timeline, he's going to take her first hesitation as total rejection.)

Post-stabbing, when Chase has his team, I think things have cooled down: it's been five years, they're still in one another's orbits. Cameron has maintained a relationship, and even if Chase still thinks it's pity/martyr-based… it's harder to believe that after five years, you know? He still shuts her out though. They're kind of stuck in weird hatesex chicken, where neither is willing to make the first move but they do spend weekends together (and then have a mini breakdown the following Monday, because what does it mean / he's freezing her out and just wanted sex / she isn't acting like it mattered so he won't either -- it's exhausting).

[raypakorn]

I apologise I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t love an addict. I want to clarify: addicts deserve love and compassion, addicts can be in romantic relationship, just that it can be difficult sometimes and can with the right help have healthy relationships. I agree it is mental health problem. I’m sorry I didn’t add more detail. I was trying to point out that the show was demonstrating that addiction is not as simple as it seems, that it is difficult on both the person suffering addiction and the people around them and the different ways people react to the person’s addiction. Woobifying Ray deliberately misunderstands his addiction and diminishes the impact that it has on his life and the lives of people around him. Ray is multifaceted but so are the other characters, and so is addiction. This show isn’t a romcom. He’s a person with a problem, seeking love like everyone else. Addiction is an immensely debilitating and life altering condition and love cannot be the only remedy. Love- genuine uncomplicated healthy love, a support system, access to mental health resources, de-stigmatisation and a satisfying fulfilling life helps addiction. Mew’s exhaustion with his addiction is common and not evil (it’s just complicated) when compared to Sand because the point isn’t that Sand loves him more and is better at looking after him (the show is telling us that’s not the point), it’s that they have a different relationship with this addiction. None of them are wrong, addiction is a massive thing that no person (or group of friends) should be expected to take on by themselves.

TD;LR Addicts deserve love, loving an addict is not wrong or futile. Addiction requires understanding and compassion. The show is showing how addiction manifests and the consequences. Addiction is complicated but so are people.

okay i gotcha, yeah wording is important when it comes to conversations like this (kind of like the wording used towards ray).

now that you have been more clear, i will address this and your last ask. as i mentioned that set wasn't about mew or sand as people or pitting their love of ray against one another. as you said they both do love ray. we have no idea how long mew and ray have been friends but we do know that even two years ago mew was still speaking to ray in the way that he is now. he was short with him, he brushed off his problems later with a cliche quote and then gave him the keychain. a keychain that ray still has and cherishes much like he does hold onto his love for mew....much like he clings to this trauma, his addiction, and self-hatred. which is more what the set was about. that mew is that manifestation of the things ray thinks and feels about himself. that he's the problem, the burden, that people aren't going to be around for him forever, etc.

vs

sand on the other hand if ray would choose to move on from mew/his past, he could move into the future where he could be seen as someone who isn't always starting things, that people would be there for him, that he could stop drinking and recover, he could learn to love himself, etc.

i in no way think that mew, his friends, or even sand can save ray, he definitely does have to make the final step himself to decide to go to rehab and therapy. however, love, words, and actions are important factor when it comes to wanting to help someone. i am not saying kids gloves are necessary and i don't think sand uses them. which is while i will argue that mew isn't more aware or equipped than sand because if anything sand is very straight forward with ray too, he has told him from the beginning that he has a problem. he just never realized how deeply rooted it was until ep 5. and sand makes no attempts to barter in the same way that mew does with top. no addict is going to just going to stop because you ask them too...they have to want too. again that's why it's all up to ray and that was the point of the final gif in that set because ray can't get out of that bath in the past to move to the bath in future where he could heal and be happy.

what i do love about this show is that is very symbolic and that there's messages painted into even the messiest of situations. that the characters are used to parallel each other in a number of ways and in ray's story, it's mew and sand.

[slocumjoe]

sole stuff purely for myself, Augustijn and his relationship + thoughts on the Queer Community (the companions)

Cait; Having struggled with addiction himself, not only does he understand her better than the others, but he's actually equipped to properly help her beyond just sticking her in the chair and calling it a day. They hold each other accountable, make sure they're both staying clean and not falling into old or new bad habits. Cait vents to him a lot, and finds that when she's vulnerable, his flowery and sentimental nature is comforting rather than annoying. Gus looks up to her as well, respecting how she was able to take herself back at such a young age. He admires her will and dedication to doing and having better for herself, mostly out of spite. She's comfortable talking about things and taking influence from him because he's done a lot of what she's done, and sometimes worse, and knows that his guidance is from experience and not out of his ass.

Curie; She reminds him strongly of his ex-wife, Lottie. The key difference is that Curie is driven by her head as much as her heart, where Lottie was all heart. Curie gets stressed out by Augustijn and his habits, his history. There are some things a doctor can't help but want to fix. There some things you cannot fix. Augustijn sees her efforts for what they are, but he tends to indulge her too much. He lets her think her methods or medicines or whatnot are working to appease her, only for her to become disappointed when she realizes he's only humoring her. Their relationship is rocky for a while. After a while, Augustijn takes the time to explain to her why he's done the things he's done, how he ended up this way. He's an insight into the darker parts of humanity. He wants her to go into the world knowing its shadows, but knowing she is bright enough to brave them. Curie comes to understand this. She isn't sure she appreciates it.

Codsworth; Codsworth hated him for the longest time. Wanted him dead. Longtime followers will remember Isadora—she was Codsworth's owner, not Gus. So, when Gus got divorced and kicked out, he stayed with Isa, and Codsworth got to hear all the tea about Augustijn and his marriage and his very, very shitty life philosophies. Codsworth hated him. Found him pathetic and repulsive. The rivalry remains 200 years later. And even if Augustijn changes and comes to realize all his actual flaws, and how to fix them, Codsworth can't forgive him for some things. The tension mellows, but the robot doesn't forget, and holds Augustijn accountable with a sharpness rarely seen. As for Augustijn, thinks they're good pals. Gus doesn't realize how sarcastic Isadora allowed Codsworth's programming to be. Genuinely doesn't realize Codsy hates his guts.

Danse; Augustijn joins the BoS just to appease the hot guy he found stomping on ferals. They meet at a point where Augustijn is still relatively spineless, lacking his own values, just parroting whoever he admires without understanding their goals and motivations. Danse doesn't see that part. He gets distracted by the poetic, sentimental, painfully earnest man who looks at him in a way he's never been looked at before. Danse is seen by Gus, and by seeing each other, they blind each other. Danse doesn't see Gus's flightiness, his victim complex, his holier-than-thou desire to be a martyr and avoid addressing his mistakes directly. He sees soft blue eyes that wrinkle in the corners when he talks. Augustijn doesn't see Danse's judgement or his pigheadedness or pretension. He doesn't see how unforgiving and cruel he can be. Gus sees a soft man trying to be strong because his strength is needed. It's after Listening Post Bravo they truly start looking at the other. It's then they start fighting, where Augustijn begins to challenge Danse on everything he had previously agreed to without hesitation. It's where Danse brings up Augustijn's actions, his inactions, and dares him to explain what the hell he was thinking, if he was thinking for himself or about himself. They look at the other and scream, do better, I know you can, I know you are better.

Deacon; They get along too well, but only because we all know what they say about misery. They're both chameleons, for very different reasons. Deacon would never sacrifice his morals for a role—Gus has, and continues to do so. But neither take life too seriously, always looking for the fun, for ways to make it better even if only by an inch. Deacon knows regret when he sees it. He understands, but privately, he doesn't respect Gus, not for a while. Augustijn takes his lies in such easy stride with no concern, its like he doesn't care who Deacon actually is. You could call it open-minded. You could call it kind, freeing. Deacon calls it noncommittal. Augustijn doesn't push back against him for anything, at the beginning, and it drives him crazy. Augustijn allows it because he knows the pressure of being trapped in a known truth. He knows needing that out, needing the back door of excuses and lies and explanations. He thinks he's being kind. Once he understands his own enablement, he calls Deac on a bluff, a lie, something. Because Deacon deserves the respect of being truly known, he realizes. He deserves the respect of being expected better of.

Gage; Augustijn pities him. He sees an old fighting dog who never got out. He sees what he could have been if he never took responsibility for the bad shit in his life that was his fault. They keep their distance from each other, but even if there's tension, there's also respect. Gage, for his part, knows a powerful, useful leader when he sees it. And the Minutemen didn't to where they got on their own. It's Gus's increasing willingness to self-actualize and get over his own bullshit that has Gage less irritated with him. He's still a soft piece of shit, but he finds his own voice. Augustijn never stops trying to find a soft spot in Gage—he knows it's in there, and refuses that the old bitch is incapable of change. It annoys the hell out of Gage and more than once they ended up taking the argument to the ground. Even so, Gage sticks with him for the money in it, which comes easier than it did raiding. He'd sooner shoot himself than admit it.

Hancock; yet again, Gus sees a younger version of himself in Hancock, which is odd, as they're close in age. Gus tries to keep space from him due to his chem use—Hancock cuts down and uses only away from him out of respect. They talk often about politics and philosophy, but it always circles back to hating rich people. Hancock gives Gus shit, because he is one of those rich people. He's a nepotism baby, after all. Hancock says the things Gus wants to say, he just adds more colorful language to it. Augustijn respects him for his determination, but worries that Hancock does things for the sake it, sometimes. There's righteousness, and there's wanting to be able to say you are righteous. Augustijn is very familiar with that thin line. There's no doubt Hancock is himself and no one else, but anger is a fickle, unreliable motivator.

Nick; reminds Gus of his father—reserved, logical, sharp, but never hesitant to do the right thing. He respects as much as he fears Nick. He suspects that Nick can see through him like glass, and knows every little blemish on his soul the same way his father did. Gus wants to make him proud, but Nick just wants the guy to find himself first. He never learned to be his own person, he's not gonna do well trying to be everyone's favorite. Augustijn doesn't understand Nick's particular plight of identity, as he only knows Nick the Synth and sees no need to dwell on where Nick the Synth came from. He doesn't understand wanting to be your own person. He doesn't understand not wanting to be a shadow of someone good.

MacCready; MacCready reminds him of a friend during his service. That boy died throwing himself on a grenade. Gus doesn't think MacCready would ever do that, but he's glad for it. He tries so hard to find something for Bobby — tries to be a brother, a father, tries to set him up on dates, tries to help him find faith — in this manner, he is to MacCready what Curie is to him. Only, Mac doesn't humor it. Gus just thinks he's so young, with so much responsibility, he can't do it alone. While he's of good intentions, MacCready has almost perfected his one-man war against the world. He doesn't need help, he needs company. He just needs a friend, not a savior. He doesn't hold it against Gus, but sometimes suspects the man does good deeds just so he can say he's a good person. He's not too far off. Either way, they enjoy their sniper duels and competitions.

Piper; Augustijn, deep down, is frustrated with her, but he expresses it disingenuously. He finds her a bad reporter, thinks her a busy body with a complex rather than a good faith woman of the people. In truth, he was the same when he was younger, so he tries steering her in the right direction. Or, what he thinks is the right direction. They butt heads every conversation, but there's mutual respect and trust even if Piper thinks Gus lacks backbone, and he thinks she lacks subtlety. Very frenemies. She's the one who immediately and loudly calls him on his shit right from the get go. As time passes, he appreciates it. Kind of a little sister, or a niece + bad influence uncle thing.

Preston; is held up as the pinnacle of human kindness and goodness. It's a dehumanizing thing, though. Preston is not a hurt young man, he is Augustijn's faithful and loyal Colonel who will always guide him to redemption. He is not capable of mistakes, or cruelty, or anything imperfect. He's Preston Garvey. The Commonwealth Minuteman to whom all Minutemen are held up to. Preston doesn't hate it, but it leads to their friendship and brotherhood being built on falsehoods. Augustijn doesn't see people; he sees Good People and Bad People. Their humanity is forgotten, with this perspective. Preston suffers for the longest time under this pedestal and the expectations until the Second Massacre, where Augustijn realizes that he's been hurting his friend, and sees what it was costing. He's able to repair the relationship, but sometimes takes Preston's newfound assertiveness as a consequence of his blindness, rather than something he helped Preston develop.

X6-88; Augustijn's view on synths is shaken by X6. He viewed them as just lab grown people, but X6 is so very not human that he can't make that claim with a straight face. X6 maintains that he isn't human, so shouldn't be claimed at such. How do you justify something's individuality as a human, if it doesn't want to be human? Augustijn believes in souls. What is a soul? How do you tell if something has one? X6 claims he doesn't, that he lacks the spark of humanity. But Augustijn watches his little quirks that other synths lack, and wonders if a soul is decided not by God, but by if you choose to find it in any thing. Synths may not be human. They may not be alive. But who has the right to decide if something is deserving of cruelty, regardless? X6 listens to him prattle on and thinks he's a lunatic. Gus sees his first love in X6—a boy in church who was once so bright. X6 is like the After of that boy. Gus wishes he knew what X6 was like Before, or what he could be if he let himself be it.

[spitblaze]

Been pondering things about Android Therion- specifically how his and Alfyn's relationship develops. I feel like up until now Therion hasn't really been in a place to even consider thoughts of romance (or proper friendship, for that matter- so he's been dealing with that too with the entire group).

MANY THOUGHTS HEAD FULL

The concept is COMPLETELY foreign to Android!Therion, absolutely. All his life he's been a tool. Maybe there were a few sympathetic scientists, but like. That's not exactly friendship, is it? Maybe he thinks he knows what it is, just for a bit. Maybe he thinks whatever he has with Darius is friendship. Maybe something more. He doesn't know. The only way he really learns about what love is supposed to be is through media, and media doesn't really explore romance from an android's viewpoint. He doesn't have a heart that can pound, he doesn't have sweat to make his hands clammy, he doesn't have blood that can make his cheeks flush. So, like, Darius keeps calling him 'partner', and there's a lot of times he's genuinely happy being with him, and they do things that feel good (something something equipped with Certain Parts to aid in deception and coercion, maybe, idk), even if he doesn't always want to be doing them. so like. Is this romance? Darius won't give a straight answer. Not that it matters when he rips open his maintenance panel, forces emergency shutdown, and shoves him off a cliff.

So naturally he's less than trusting when the next person he meets is Alfyn, who he first sees messing with a bunch of his components removed on a table. Bad first impression, would've given him a heart attack if he had one (he doesn't, he has a soulstone battery), the only reason he can't run away is because the motor components below his neck have been disabled for repair. And this engineer is like, weirdly understanding of how upset he is, offers to get him anything he wants, needs, catch him up to speed with however long he's been out. Therion could ask this dude to shoot himself to prove that he's trustworthy and he would've done it. Weird dude. But, like, he seems harmless enough. He doesn't really know what he wants to do. He didn't have time to process Darius's betrayal, being essentially dead for however many years. And what's with this Alfyn guy?? Why does he keep insisting that he stay with him and then saying he doesn't want anything in return?? That's not how that's supposed to work???

Anyway. I think most of Therion's character arc in this story is navigating his upbringing and trauma and expectations around how relationships (of any sort) are supposed to work. What true unconditional love and care looks like, what a healthy give and take is supposed to be, identifying certain things within himself (maybe one of the other travelers is also an android? or a major npc more likely). It's a weird, difficult road but it's one he's better for at the end, being able to say that he has friends, has real connections and isn't just a tool. He's a person. Not a flesh-and-blood person, but still just as human as any of his friends.

as for the ROMANCE which is what you sent the ask in the first place about LMAO. I think it's a matter of 'therion fell first, alfyn fell harder', Alf is still a hopeless romantic but GODS therion is pretty and cool and interesting and he just canNOT stop thinking about him. he's smitten. alfyn is the type who falls super hard and its still a slower build than past crushes but he's very much pining. Therion unfortunately has zero benchmark to compare his feelings to. Alfyn got him out of danger and away from the Ravus agents and told him in no uncertain terms that he's never ever gonna leave him behind, that he'll always be there for him, and that made him. feel things. he is not sure what those things are. He hangs on to them for a good long time before he finally manages to put two and two together but even then, because he has no point of comparison for what AI love feels like, he's not sure. He likes the guy, he's attractive, knowledgeable, kind, fun, but like. he does not have the words. And even if he did he has no idea what he'd do about them, his only prior experience with anything even remotely like this being...Darius. And he does not want that again. Primrose is trying her best to help him navigate this but there's only so much she can do.

Maybe at some point it actually. fucking DOES click. And it's a whole mess, way messier than anything in canon. Avoidance, anger (at himself, at alfyn, at primrose, at everyone), learning that they installed tear ducts in his face. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they. Anything to make his little performances more convincing, this tool, this machine that isn't supposed to emote except when ordered to, this hunk of metal that doesn't have real feelings, only simulacra, only cheap imitations of humanity, only shallow copies made to fool flesh and blood into thinking he's one of their own. The reckoning- the confession is loud, and messy. It's an argument, they're yelling at each other, Therion is screaming, his tear ducts start acting up, he is so- fuck, he's so- GODS, he can't love Alfyn. He CAN'T. He's a machine. He's not capable of giving him everything that a human can. He's a machine with masters who are trying to retrieve him. He puts everyone even tangentially related to him in danger. His emotions aren't real, and nothing he could ever give Alfyn would be worth the pain of knowing that his emotions are just lines of code, that just being associated with him puts a target on his head, that all he's made for is theft and deception and murder.

And by some divine fucking miracle.

Alfyn does not care.

He doesn't care! He doesn't care that Therion can't feel 'real' feelings, whatever a 'real' feeling even is, he doesn't care that just continuing to be there is a massive risk, he doesn't even care that at any time Therion could flex an artificial muscle and inject him with an untraceable poison.

It's...he doesn't know what this is. Relief, happiness, frustration, whatever. He'll take it, as long as Alfyn is willing to give it.

After all, if Therion is capable of nothing else, he's capable of taking.

[adora-or-artemis]

A change of fate

Summery: Dionysus warns percy, percy thinks he lost his chance until she has a talk with artemis

Chapter: 1/?

Words:6425

Angst, fluff, coming out, trans girl percy, Poseidon is a dick, Myrina (trans girl percy)

Author notes: this is my first fic so it isn't that well written but I hope you enjoy

"Child, I warn you, don't ask for what you want, it isn't time yet." Dionysus said, trying to sound as cryptic as possible.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure how to even respond to that.

Then he disappeared with a flash of lightning, without even leaving a note.

After an hour I finally got my answer

————————————————————————

Tyson walked back to the group, looking satisfied with his new materials for forging.

He immediately started comparing them with Grovers new sets of Panpipes, and Clarisse's helmet.

"Annabeth Chase, comeforth." Zeus' voice thundered, showing he was getting bored with us.

"Lord Zeus, I would like to receive a blessing of agility and speed, to help me fight faster in the next battles." Annabeth's voice was the clearest of all of us, not showing any fear; but it still made my chest burn. She asked for a blessing?, was that allowed?, but only a few gods seemed to acknowledge it.

Zeus spoke in an irritated tone, "You have worked hard, however we deemed that you cannot receive a blessing for a quest that isn't your own." As Zeus said that, Ares leaned forward with a smug smile.

"I understand. Lord Zeus, may I save the reward for another time then."Annabeth said with dissatisfaction in her voice. "You may."

As Annabeth walked back, Athena was the only one that looked satisfied, then Zeus called out.

"Perseus Jackson, come forth."

I walked to the centre of the hall, with every step my heart beat harder, what can I ask for?, should I get equipment?, I have riptide, but is that enough?, and what should I get?, Armour?, what type?

Until I remember Circes island

————————————————————————

"What do you see?" C.C. asked, with a confused face, almost like she couldn't believe her own work.

"A girl, I see a girl, what does that mean?" I asked, heart beating but not in fear, or disgust but definitely something I didn't know.

"That means, my dear, that you are looking at your ideal self, your perfect you, and I can help you reach it."

I froze, I didn't know what to do, I could finally become who I wanted for so long.

"I'll give you time to think about it. What would make you truly happy, to be how you currently are, or to be the girl in that mirror. You can be beautiful, have long flowing hair, with a beaming smile?" C.C. reasoned, and it sounds right, not just her soothing voice but also her words. I could become who I want to be, the person I hid.

"Can you really make me look like her?, truly be her?" I asked, feeling a new tightness in my throat.

"I can, but it starts with you, to be her you need to start eating more fruits, a light exercise routine, and substitute this for a normal meal." She said as she walked behind a bar and filled a glass of water and added a drink mix powder.

"And you're sure there aren't any side effects?" I asked, skeptical despite her obvious acceptance. "Not one, this meal substitute will give you the perfect body." C.C. assured.

I drank, hesitant at first until I felt my body change, my body became hot, like my blood was boiling, then I started to get shorter; like I wanted, but I realised I kept on shrinking, and my body rapidly started growing hair, my teeth fely heavy in my mouth. I tried to shout at her but all that came out was "reeet, reeet, reeet"

"They you are, my dear, your true self. It's a shame, there was finally a man that understands the truth of the superiority of women, but you are still a man so it can't be changed."

My heart pounds, harder and harder every second, in pain, shock, fear, but most of all from the feeling of loss. The loss of something I was promised, of something I never had.

But I also feel relieved, I don't need to question if my friends would accept me, if they were still my friends.

————————————————————————

I know what I want, in front of these 12 gods, I will tell them that I want to change my body, I want to be a girl. 

"Perseus Jackson, what is the reward you would like -" Zeus started, "FOR THE QUEST YOU TRIED TO STEAL FROM MY DAUGHTER" Ares shouted over his father.

"SHE COULDN'T OF SUCCEEDED WITH OUT MY SON, YOU SHOULD BE THANKING HIM AND ANNABETH CHASE FOR NOT TAKING ALL THE CREDIT THAT THEY DESERVE." My father argued, which led to each god voicing their opinions.

"QUITE, EACH OF YOU" Zeus thundered, as the master bolt slammed against the floor. "I would like-" my voice became tight.

"Could I please... if it isn't any trouble, I'm sure you can but ..." I was already anxious, but thinking of Circe's island made it worse.

"Percy, it's fine, just tell us what you want." Poseidon said, trying to calm my nerves, but it didn't help.

Dionysus' warning rang in my ears, "don't ask for what you want." Was he talking about now, he had to be.

 "Could I please . . . also save the reward for later,." It's heart braking, but still it feels like it's the right thing, for some reason Dionysus warned me, and I'm not dumb enough to take a warning from the god of insanity lightly.

 What made it worse was that the only one that looked satisfied was Athena, but what is strange is that Artemis, and Aphrodite both sat back, like they're disappointed.

"Seems not all of Poseidon's children have a sea sponge where their brain should be." Athena said, which didn't make me feel any better. "Good choice, Perseus Jackson."

"Uh, thank you, Lady Athena." And with that I headed back to the group, with disappointed looks from three gods, and questioning looks from two demigods, and a satyr.

"Young demigods, Cyclops, and satyr, you have all proven worthy to receive gifts, make sure you do not waste them, or you may deeply regret your choice." Zeus warned.

With a crack of thunder, and a blinding light we were all back at camp.

For awhile I questioned why Dionysus warned me, why he didn't want me ask for what I want.

Sadly I got my answer a few months later

————————————————————————

"My Lady, thank you for letting me speak to you in private." I said, nervous of the next words that will come out of my mouth.

"I need no thanks." Artemis said smoothly. "What is it that you would like to speak of?"

"After the last quest I was on, Dionysus warned me to not ask for what I wanted, I wanted to know if you knew why he warned me?" I said, my heart racing, knowing what she would ask and what my answer had to be.

"I can only tell you if I know what you want." She said with a slight smile. "Can you tell me what your request would have been?"

My throat is tight and my voice is shaky, I haven't told anyone this yet, not my Mom, or Annabeth, or Grover, "My Lady, I wish to be a girl, I have wanted to be one for as long as I remember, I thought I could become one with the reward but Dionysus told me not to." I said with a breaking voice

My tears stream down my face, the words are choked out of my mouth, I place my head down in shame. "Lady Artemis, I need to know if I wasted my chance." 

Artemis walked towards me, placed her hands on my face and made me look her in the eyes before she said, "You have wasted nothing, you are a maiden that has survived much greater threats that a child your age should, both mortal and immortal."

"Thank you, my lady." I said, practically a whisper.

"I don't need thanks for speaking the truth, as my own personal reward for your bravery I will tell you why you were warned, as well as giving you my protection." As she said that a small crescent moon appeared on my arm, it shined with silvery light, bright against my skin.

————————————————————————

After a few minutes she told me everything about Dionysus' warning.

"Is there any more you would like to ask?" She said with an even voice.

"There is one final thing I would like to ask." I said as I wipe away the tears that fell from our conversation.

I know it's a long shot but I still have to ask, just incase the fates decide to do me a favour this one time. "Can you turn me into a girl?" 

"I can, but" Not the best way to start. "the only way for me to grant that wish right now is for you to be a hunter. If you are willing then take the vow and I will accept it."

I have another chance, but I don't know if I can take it... I run my hand through my hair to my neck, I know I want love, but can I lose this, I might never get this chance again. But is it worth the love I might lose, or are the powers I would gain worth not seeing the people at camp, or my mom.

"I'm sorry... I want to try to find love, I can't lose that, I don't... I don't want to lose that either." I try to wipe the tears, but they don't stop. Gods, I'm a fool.

"I understand, many people have denied me before because of love, but without you being part of the hunt I can't grant your wish. If you ever change your mind I will gladly accept you."

"I understand, Thank you my Lady." As I get up to leave, wiping the tears from my eyes, she says one last thing to me, "I swear on the styx that I won't let any of the other gods hurt you for this." As she said that thunder rolled over the mountains.

"And if you need help -no matter the reason- just call and I will be there. You aren't a hunter, but you are a maiden, and maidens will always receive my help."

I hold a thankful smile, "Thank you."

She smiled back, "As I have said, there is no need. I will see you tomorrow so please rest well."

I did, and after a few weeks I would learn if she would keep that promise

————————————————————————

I watched as Thalia accepted being Artemis' new lieutenant, there was a silver light that surrounded her, until she seemed to absorb it.

When she made her way back Zeus called "ANNABETH CHASE"

"Last time you were here you asked for a blessing, at the time we said no if it wasn't your quest, however for your bravery and strength we will allow you to receive a blessing if you wish." Zeus explained while multiple gods gave Ares looks of hatred.

"Thank you Lord Zeus, I would like a blessing of speed and agility to help me fight." Annabeth said with confidence that rivaled Apollo.

"Is that all?" Zeus gave her a look as if she grew an extra heads.

"If I can ask for more, and it isn't too much to ask, I would like a blessing of strength as well." I questioned how her voice never wavered.

"If that is all you ask, Athena will provide the blessing, as you are synchronised with her power most." Athena stood up, raised her hands, and annabeth started to glow with a grey light that seemed to seep into her, her eyes also changed to glow a brighter grey before they faded back to normal.

"Prove the worth of that blessing, for no blessing is minor, especially when used with wisdom." Athena intoned as she returned to her throne.

"Yes, Lady Athena, thank you" Annabeth said before returning to the group.

"PERSEUS JACKSON"

 "You have done us a favour again, Son of Poseidon." Despite his complementary words, it was said with a tone cold enough to freeze the entire ocean, as I tried to calm myself to avoid fumbling what I would say next, he said "You may ask for what you wish."

Artemis gave me a reassuring look, I took a deep breath, looked down seeing the crescent moon, and said with as much confidence as the rodent I once was "I wish to be a girl." My heart felt like it was sprinting a marathon, but Artemis only showed a smile.

The words jumped from my mouth, it felt like they wrapped around my chest and started to squeeze, wrapping me in a cocoon of anxiety.

"You... what?" Zeus asked, his voice hoarse from shock, when I looked him in the eyes he had a face like I told him a riddle, so did other gods, a few were smiling, mainly Artemis, and some had an even face, and one had a face of unblinking focus, Aphrodite, but only one had a face of hidden disgust. My father.

"I have always ... I asked Artemis but ... I would've asked but Dionysus ... " I didn't know what to say, what to do, tears streaked down my face, I know I'm protected by Artemis, she said she would help, and I know that I want this, that I worked hard for this, so why am I crying.

Zeus raised his hand, I immediately stopped, when he lowered his hand he only asked one question.

"Is this what you want? You are certain about your wish?" His once cold tone, now warm and understanding, it left the world quite, Olympus made no noise, all I heard was the blood rushing through my ears.

"Yes" it came out as a sigh but that was answer enough.

Poseidon stood up, "Percy, what are you talking about?, why are you saying these things?, You never -"

Artemis interrupted him as she stood, "She did, Lord Poseidon" a wave of warmth passed through me when she used my pronouns. "She came to me before I was kidnapped, she asked if I could explain Dionysus' warning and that led to her asking if I could grant her wish, I couldn't without asking for Zeus' permission, so I asked her to join the hunt, however she declined."

The tears streamed down my face, I wiped my face so many times that my face felt raw. Poseidon changed to human size and started moving towards me, but Thalia and Annabeth were suddenly at my side, looking at me with understanding in their eyes as they both wrapped their arms around me.

Thailia let go and stood between me and my father.

"I didn't know they started letting boys into-"

"They didn't, Lord Poseidon." Thalia was standing infront of my father.

"It Is wise not to interrupt me, Thalia Grace" Poseidon said with a voice more violent then Ares could ever be.

"Dad ... don't." Is all I could say between sobs.

"Fine, but I didn't know Artemis let boys into the hunt" he said while looking her in the eyes.

"It has happened before, I have also let people like your daughter join, like Siproites, yet you had no problem then." She said, her tone becoming more impatient and irritated.

"WELL SIPROITES WASN'T MY -" His voice was basically a growl

Artemis moved towards him, each step a threat to my father, "Your daughter has been deemed a maiden in need, and I help maidens in need, I can change the hunters vow and it's gifts to help her in anyway and you can't interfere with my sphere of influence without repercussions, Poseidon." She made her last comment in a tone that showed it was a threat.

Poseidon tried to reply, but Zeus warned "POSEIDON, if you value your throne, use it." His tone was cold as he regarded my father, "Both of you be seated" Zeus warned, only when everyone was silent did he continue, "As king of the gods, it is my choice to accept or deny rewards, and it is my choice that the wish will be granted." My jaw hit the floor, my wish was being granted. Poseidon looked more ready to start a war then Ares, while Artemis and Aphrodite -for who knows why- where beaming with pride and joy.

"Thank you, I... thank you."

"We need no thanks" Hera quickly said, "it is a minor gift to us, you will see that we have granted this before, with almost no issue," She stared daggers at Poseidon, "and we will grant this wish again. As you asked us all, I will take it upon myself to help yo-"

"No you won't, you know it's my turn." Aphrodite finally spoke up with a mischievous look in her eyes. Annabeth immediately took a step forward protectively. Even though she didn't join the hunters, the didn't mean she loved Aphrodite.

After a few seconds of silent battles between Aphrodite and Hera, "If you insist, my schedule is busy enough as it is." As she said that she disappeared in a cloud of peacock feathers.

With that most of the gods left, leaving only Aphrodite, Artemis, Zeus, and ... Poseidon 

Aphrodite gave us a smile, "Well, let's go get you some clothes before we do this", She snapped her fingers, and I found myself, Annabeth and Thalia in what I could only guess was a clothes store filled with modern clothes, Aphrodite appeared, smiling more than when Tyson met rainbow.

"Uh- where- are" I stumbled over my words, coming down from the shock of coming out, to all the olympian gods, and having the idea to have them turn me into a girl. Genius idea. I had no idea I was this smart.

Aphrodite gave me a kind smile, "Bit nervous?, don't worry, I decided to take care of you, I'm the goddess of beauty, so I decided to help you with fashion before we change you. I'll let you talk to your friends while I find you some clothes, I have a few ideas that would be cute." I turned bright red as she walked away and disappeared between racks of clothes, then Annabeth and Thalia faced me.

"So ... how you doing?", Thalia said trying her best to not be as awkward as me, she failed.

"Doing... Good, I think" I tried to not think about how strong my heart beat was only moments ago.

"So, how long have you known?" Thailia asked nervously.

"I- kind of um always knew, I just haven't had the words or courage to say it" I answered honestly, as I started picking at my clothes.

"Why?, you're the bravest person I know." Annabeth said genuinely, eyes studying me but still kind. She stared to make her way to some chairs and sat down, as I followed her my legs finally stopped working, luckily Thalia caught me.

"What happened to the strength to lift the sky?" Thalia joked as she helped me to the seats before she took her own.

"Thanks," I said before I answered Annabeth, I took a deep breath to calm myself before I replied, "You remember gabe, and uh ... the stuff he did ... to me and my mom?" They both nodded slowly. I had told them about the horrible things he did before my mom went into her 'temporary art career'. "Well, he Uh... watched TV a lot and ... sometimes people like me would be there, and cause he was a great guy, he said some ... horrible things, so there wasn't anything safe that I could... do, so I ... hid it." I fought back the urge to cry, I teared up but luckily I didn't start crying, it was bad enough with my voice being so shaky.

"Oh gods, I'm so sorry." Annabeth leaned in for a hug, I was happy to finally feel accepted, however Thalia just sat there in silent rage, when she realised that I saw she steadied herself, Gabe should feel glad to be a statue, I don't wanna think of what would happen otherwise.

"Sorry, not big on hugs" Thalia said, obviously trying to keep her voice even.

"Then how come you didn't tell your mom, or teachers?" Annabeth asked

"Well the walls were thin in our apartment so I couldn't really say it there, and I didn't want another problem for mom, so I decided to try and hide it, but for school, Yancy Academy was many things, but accepting wasn't one."

"Fair point" Annabeth replied with a glum tone.

"So when did you decide to tell people?" Thailia said with a concentrated look in her eyes.

"It was some time during the sea of monsters, Circe showed me a mirror that showed me my perfect me, and um ... soon after that Dionysus said to not ask for what I wanted, so I didn't, and it shattered me, I felt like I wasted my chance," I was tearing up remembering what that felt like," later I spoke with Artemis and she gave me the confidence that I needed."

"So that's how you got the mark on your arm?" Thailia said pointing to the blessing that Artemis gave me. Annabeth looked at the mark, not in disgust but definitely concentrated on it.

"Yeah, she gave me a blessing of her protection, and um... claimed me as a maiden in need, since she couldn't do more at the time, so if I need help then she will come."I immediately turned red, calling myself a maiden in need, being a maiden was nice but being in need felt wrong, the last time I was 'in need' was with gabe. It sounds like I'm waiting to be rescued by a hero, and I know that I can save myself if needed.

"Maiden in need?, cute. Lady Jackson." She and Annabeth started smiling when they saw me turn red. "Poseidon owns a kingdom so you're already royalty.", Thalia snickered as she said "Dam, how many chariots do you have?"

Thalia and Annabeth kept bouncing jokes back to each other. Every time I turned red or fumbled my words Thalia laughed harder, until she was howling, "As long as I don't need to kiss a frog." I mumbled, and with that they were both wheezing, with Thalia on the floor, Annabeth folded in half. Thalia laughed harder every time she tried to get her composure back. "Bark for breath, you ok?" I asked with a smile spreading across Annabeth's and my face.

She finally got control of her laughter, still chuckling to herself as she sat back down, "Gods, fish sticks, you're hilarious."

I rolled my eyes, but Annabeth looked serious again, "Have you thought of any new names for yourself?"

like the genius I am, I never thought of a name. What would I name myself - and what would I tell everyone else? The campers? My school? Mom?, wait, name first, this is possible, right?

I thought about it and decided I would copy my mother, "How many women in ancient Greece had good lives?"

They exchanged looks before looking deep in thought, not a good sign. I didn't know much about myths, but I knew that most heroes didn't have good lives, and that even less women tended to have good lives.

"Um,  there are some, but most don't. Like Atlanta, she was strong, great hunter, she was with some of the strongest hero's, like Heracles and Jason. It would fit you well and she also had a connection to Artemis." She shrugged and went back into thought.

"How about strength?" Thalia reasoned, "Like Myrina, brave, strong, good leader, similar to you." I blushed being thought to have such great qualities.

"I don't mind being named after someone strong, what did she do?"

"She was a queen of the Amazon's, she lead an army against the Atlantians, she won against others as well, like a group called the gorgons ..."

"... like medusa?"

"No, they were more similar to the Amazon's, just the same name." Annabeth jumped in.

"She did more than that." Aphrodite interrupted, and we all turned in surprise to see her.

 "Aphrodite, what do you mean?" Annabeth asked in suprise, probably not sure what to say, just like me and Thalia.

"While she did conquer places and won wars, she also made peace with the Egyptians, with the ruler at the time."

"Who was the ruler at the time?" Annabeth seemed amazed and intrigued.

"... Doesn't matter, the point is that she was smart enough to find peace."

"Why haven't we heard much about her?" Annabeth seemed mystified but a bit annoyed, and I couldn't blame her.

Aphrodite rolled her eyes, "Sadly many women in history have been forgot about or lied about by historians, especially by the people like Ovid," She spat his name out like it was acid, "Some guy he was, anyways, Myrina was strong, brave, and knew to make peace. She was also similar to Perseus by defeating a sea monster to save a princess."

"That's... amazing, I don't think I'm worthy of a name like that." I can't even imagine being like that.

"Nonsense, but if you are looking for name suggestions, I would suggest Andromeda, links to Perseus, beautiful, and lived an okay life."

Thalia shook her head, "No offense, but i don't think it fits her, some people have described you as attractive -their words not mine," as Thalia said that Annabeth turned bright red and looked away, "but you went up against me, I don't think you need to be rescued."

"Sure, you are strong, don't get me wrong, but is that all you want to be known for, you could give Andromeda a different meaning, one of strength and beauty?" Aphrodite asked almost solemnly.

"I have to think about it, but I'm not sure yet, maybe Andromeda as a middle name to show homage to what my mom called me."

"Okay, just let me know soon, and I need to know if you want to wear a jeans or a skirt?"

It took my brain a few moments to realise she was talking, and looking, to me, "Jeans, it's cold outside and I want to take it slow for now, I'm going to wait a few days or weeks first before I wear a skirt."

Aphrodite stifled a smile, "You could wear tights, but jeans will work. I have a few tops that would look cute. Do you know the different washes of denim?"

"Grey, stone, light, dark, black, white, acid, medium, and coloured." I answered fast enough to catch Thalia and Annabeth off guard, while Aphrodite only smiled.

"Gods, I didn't know you actually had a working memory." Thalia cracked a smile.

"I knew you looked after your appearance more than most, but i didn't  expect ... " Annabeth's mouth hung open, "That."

Aphrodite beamed with excitement, "You have to start spending time with my kids, they will love you, trust me, promise to spend time with them, they will adore you!, so what wash of denim do you like?"

"Normally grey or stone, they go well with many different colours of tops and shoes, and since I mostly wear sneakers I think stone would work best." I smiled confidently as Annabeth and Thalia stared at me dumbfounded, while Aphrodite was lighting up the room with a smile before she disappeared into the racks of clothes again.

"First a working memory, and now being able to think, you are full of surprises." Thalia said with a growing smile. "Tell me if you want to get into punk style clothes as well." She said, still smiling.

"Totally, I'm going to be experimenting with loads of different styles so if you have any hand me downs I will happily take it." I said blushing a bit as they both looked at me.

"Hand me downs?, you think I'm letting the princess of porpoises have hand me downs?" Thalia said as her smile grew, "First of all, I don't want to get smote by Aphrodite, second of all you deserve more than just hand me downs, I plan on being there for your first clothes shopping, especially if it's my expertise."

"Th-Thanks, I honestly don't know what to say."

"Gods, you are such a girl." Annabeth sighed, I blushed for the 700th time today while being both embarrassed and happy.

"Yeah, I um guess... Thanks, but back to names." I played with my shirt, still trying to be normal -or as normal as I can be.

I thought about it, These were some of the strongest women in ancient greece.

Atlanta, she was skilled and connected to Artemis, Myrina, She was strong, smart and a good leader, and Andromeda, Beautiful and a connection to what my mom called me.

It was a lot to think about, but I made a decision.

"I like all the names, but I like... Myrina the most, I'm going to use one of the others as a middle name, but I really love the name Myrina." I felt nervous when I said that, like I was introducing someone else and myself at the same time.

"Myrina." Thalia said in thought, "Myrina. It suits you, I'm glad I can speak to you with your name."

As she said it, my doubts faded, it felt warm, like the first time I had ambrosia.

"So how does it feel to have a name that fits?" Annabeth asked with a gleam in her eye.

"It feels... right, I don't know how to describe it, just warm."

"I'm glad, and let us know if anyone tries messing with you, we'll teach them some manners." As she said that, her eyes gleamed like when she killed a monster, and Thalia had lightning flicker between her fingers, I feel sorry for anyone that says anything hurtful, actually I don't.

"Thanks, both of you." I smiled as I thought of my name, not the act I have to play, but my real name.

Aphrodite came back, looking excited, she was in her sphere of influence, and I was excited as well but still nervous.

"Here's the clothes!" She said in an exited tone as she placed the stone washed jeans, a plain white T-shirt, a slightly larger cream sweater, and a pair of red vans, "Time for the part you waited for, your transformation!"

"Shouldn't I change first?" I asked hesitantly.

"No, I need to measure you, then resize the clothes to fit you, so if you get dressed it won't fit properly, you also need underwear, and by the looks on your friends faces," As she said that I realised that they both haven't stopped grinning for most of our conversation. "they are just as excited to see what you look like as I am."

"Okay then, I'm ready when you are."

"Like most things worth doing, this could be painful." As she snapped her fingers, I felt strange. First I was hot, like my blood was boiling. I felt lightheaded, fighting to stay awake from both pain and fainting. I fought against the pain, to scream out, but it was hard—almost impossibly hard. It felt like every joint was popping; like I was over extending them until they cracked. After a few moments it faded; my body cooled and joints relaxed; the light-headedness faded; and I felt like myself but also different, with how much I flinched from the pain, I nearly fell off the chair.

"I really out did myself this time." Aphrodite said cheerfully.

I groaned softly as I tried to deal with everything that just happened.

The first thing I noticed was my voice, it was higher and softer, even that little groan sounded more feminine, I'll admit that I didn't have a gruff or deep voice before bit still I definitely sounded like a girl now.

The second is that I was shorter, only a few inches but it was strange that everything was slightly taller and seemed more out off reach.

The third, my clothes just didn't fit, my T-shirt was baggy, my shoes were obviously oversized, and when I tried to readjust myself, my pants slipped, I caught it but still.

Forth, my hair was longer, normally it was wild but still didn't touch much of my neck or forehead, now I felt it roll over my shoulders, I felt how much weight was suddenly added, not much but still noticeable.

"You were short before but dam." Thalia said in shock, and I laughed, it sounded completely different, and more real then before.

Then I noticed everything about me, my frame was smaller, before I wasn't bumping into doors(too often) but I was definitely smaller.

My hands were smaller as well, they seemed delicate or dainty, and my arms both seemed shorter and less muscular, they were still defined but definitely lost mass, and the mark was still there.

"If you would be so kind, Miss Jackson needs her measurements taken, so Annabeth and Thalia please give us some privacy, I am sure she will appreciate it as much as the compliments." Aphrodite said cheerfully, still pleased with herself.

Annabeth and Thalia left, leaving behind encouraging words and smiles as they went to find a room, leaving me alone with Aphrodite.

"Myrina -love the name, by the way- it's time to take measurements and that means you need to strip, I don't want this to be long, so no complaints."

I nodded while trying not to blush. I failed. I stood up while holding up my pants, I took a deep breath, and dropped them. I hesitantly grabbed the hem of my shirt and froze.

I never liked looking at my body before and thought that seeing a body I like for the first time should be more private.

"Myrina, I know it's a lot but we have to get this done, just one minute is all I need." She spoke in an assuring voice

"Yeah... okay." I lifted my shirt and tried to not look down at the body I wasn't ready to see. I dropped it to the floor and took a step out of the pants.

"Okay, I'm just going to take a few measurements and then it's done." Aphrodite's voice was calming, I felt the tape measure wrap around my body in several places, around and under my breasts, hips, butt, and shoulders. She then measured the length of my arms and legs.

When it was done, my eyes opened as she snapped her fingers and she handed me my clothes.

"Put these on and I'll meet you with the other girls."

As she left, I sat down to change; still feeling jumpy after everything. She gave me some simple black underwear and bra, the stone washed jeans, a plain white T-shirt, a cream sweater, and red vans. A pretty outfit. Everything fit perfectly, and only the panties and bra took getting used to; as well as feeling slightly embarrassing.

As I pulled my hair from under my clothes I felt that same warmness I felt many times during the day; something that feels so much better than any amount of ambrosia.

After everything felt comfortable, I breathed a sigh of relief, "I'm ready!"

I watched as Aphrodite came back and gradually smiled as she saw how I looked.

"You look amazing, honestly you made it easy with how pretty you are." Aphrodite said sincerely.

"Th-Thanks, you really helped, but where are Annabeth and Thalia?" I was feeling nervous after being separate from them for so long on a hard day.

"I still haven't finished helping you, so I asked them to wait outside until we're ready, I can call them in if you want." She said with some pain in her voice.

"No, if it's okay with you I want to look my best before seeing them." I started to feel excited, I want to show them my best after they helped me so much.

"Of course it's okay, there's only one last step, your hairstyle, have you thought of anything yet?, It's kind of long, but if you know anything cute I can do it for you."

I looked in a mirror, and realised just how long it was, it reached close to my hips, I thought about it and it was too long to really be convenient everyday.

"How about this... shorten it to above half my torso, and then make it into a shag with bangs, the layers and volume will help frame the face, what do you think?" As she smiled I knew that I made the right decision, she snapped her fingers and a few inches of hair disappeared as I felt my hair change position.

"Honestly, I don't get why Athena thinks you dumb, you are a genius, I can't forgive you for hiding such talent." She smiled and I felt warm.

Even with all the compliments, a thought never left my mind, all the help I have got today from friends and gods, but I haven't even told my mom yet; I have to change that soon.

"Thanks, Aphrodite." I smiled getting used to how much my voice changed.

"You ready to show them?" She asked

I nodded, my heart raced with excitement as I saw them come back.

As they saw me they froze.

"Wow! You look amazing! Can't believe how well it suits you, Myrina. Good work, Aphrodite." She seemed hesitant about the goddess, but happy to see how I looked.

"It was no work at all, she's so pretty that she didn't even really need my help after the transformation." Aphrodite said like she was bragging.

Annabeth walked towards me with a smile and hugged me for a few seconds. I was so much shorter that I wasn't fully over her shoulder. "She's right." she whispered in my ear as she pulled away.

"Thanks, all of you. I don't know what I would've done without all of you help." I wiped away the happy tears, not being able to stop smiling.

"We just have one stop before I take you home. Artemis will want to see you, so I promised to bring you to Olympus, but barnacle beard might be there; will you be okay?" She asked, clearly worried for me. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll be okay, but I want to try to be.

"If I have all of you, then I know I will be." She snapped her fingers and we were back on Olympus.

[eyeballplanets]

a friend made a good point to me in dms, too, that mark breaking up with eve mere panels before the assault (and getting back to her together) bookends an already poorly-construed depiction of assault with eve's strange reaction to the revelation, that is never broughtup again. certainly a character's actions cannot reliably be read as a mouthpiece for the author—the two do not necessary reflect the same thing. but eve having this reaction of near-disgust and shame to mark's confession, any conflict coming from this abrasion being aborted by the inevitable pull of it fatherhood, and it only coming up once more for mark essentially indicate that he's over it, further illustrates how ill-equipped kirkman and the narrative were to understand the feelings that surround male survivors.

and you know me, i typically try to avoid the ideological unwieldiness of the ‘male survivor’ as conceptually dislocated from other interactions of sexual violence, but the narrative ultimately reifies hegemonic depictions of masculinity in that mark isn't supported by his girlfriend, and as a consequence seems to get over it. the scars of sexual assault last a lifetime. the brevity of mark's pain and the timeskip all but retconning it suggests that even kirkman realized he messed it up. and i don't think that the changes to anissa at all can be construed to indicate that he's going to revisit it with her.

i don't understand why two particularly annoying aspects of the fandom—the white men salivating for anissa to asasult mark as they salivated for gary to abuse amber and ground their teeth when eve recognized her love for rex; and the women who center men in every discussion and seem immune to understanding how making this female character made younger and browner than the protagonist would reify misogynist bigotries—are so insistent that this is the pinnacle of assault and that anissa is the only conceivable vector of this structurally unsound plot. i'm almost tempted to compile a reading list of works that depict male assault better so people stop glazing the fuck out of this like this is NOT good.

and i'll say again, in the vain hope that reading the racialized subtext of the show appeals to some invisible invincible fan out there, i don't think these discussions, between directors and writers and showrunners and character designers, could have conceivably come up with ‘let's make her brown to depict rape.’ that alone should be a neon sign that they are deviating. you can see their skin tones together, and this is with season 2 being bright and desaturated compared to season 3—later season interactions with them will emphasize this even more.

mark has a slightly more saturated tone than the white characters, and he looks ghostly next to her

I was wondering what your thoughts were about Eve breaking up with Mark DIRECTLY before Anissa comes for him. It seems like too much of an indicator that Kirkman thinks rape is cheating, and I know they don’t imply that Anissa knows they broke up or were even together but it baffled me so much when reading I had to question if this was a good faith attempt at portraying male sexual assault when….. it’s obviously not.

oh my god this is like. my birthday i love getting all of these anissa asks. THIS is why i turned on anons!

i had the same reaction. most people leave out that element when they're talking about the rape (especially the people who try to insist that it's this muir-esque story about sexual violence in genre fiction) because it immediately comes off that way. like you said, it was MOMENTS before. i cannot emphasize enough (for my mutuals who haven't read the comic) they broke up IMMEDIATELY before. he literally flew out of her house and into the sky and was intercepted.

the whole scenario of the assault obfuscates any attempt at portraying it in good faith. when i posit that conquest is meant to evoke sexualized brutality (an unwieldy term, but i think it suits my read that it is meant to evoke sex without actually being sexual), i emphasize the ways in which it gestures toward the structures the generate sexual violence. conquest is a soldier, the white warmonger from abroad who targets the asian boy, bringing focus to the lack of parameters surrounding his cruelty, leveraging his own grief as he brutalizes this racialized victim, when their conflict first opens with conquest telling you how he isn't acting on orders and shortly thereafter follows it with mark trying to talk it out. the fandom has completely fallen for conquest's trap: his tearless evocation of sorrow is an artifice continually contrasted with the agonizing violence he inflicts upon the Protagonist.

in contrast you have comic anissa, this ambushing predator who is exclusively targeting him for copulative ends: while there certainly are acts of sexual assault aligned with reproductive coercion, as the previous anon (assuming you and they are different people) pointed out, anissa herself was coerced, and the narrative leaves that out. while i don't necessarily like telia's coercion of allen (telia is very heavily racialized, from her jewelry to her tentacle braids), it's very revealing that kirkman doesn't take her pressuring him into sex in their every appearance across the 120 issues after her introduction as seriously as this very narrow-minded ‘post-break-PIV-intercourse-til-completion-for-copulative ends.’ it's ironic to me that the fandom insists that adapting out anissa's assault would erase male victims when the optics around the assault reify the misconceptions about sexual assault that lead to people (note that i say people: i don't think it's useful to frame the male victim as totally separate from the female victim, especially considering that sexual violence is first a tool of oppressive systems, and these are all encoded in patriarchy) not being believed in the first place! that is to say, the COMIC codifies the misconceptions that erase male victims. ‘did your abuser physically force you penetrate them till completion? no? then it wasn't assault’ is shit survivors hear all the damn time. i'm tempted to include links because the greater invincible fandom has an undeveloped understanding of sexual assault, but i really hope anyone reading this believes me when i say that you need only look at marital rape, incestuous abuse, or abuse of sex workers, and other non-copulative or non-penetrative acts to see that that the parameters kirkman establishes in the assault have real-world parallels that are upheld as these far-off guidelines to litigate the validity of assault and consequently and intentionally disenfranchise survivors. it's why conquest gestures to these systems more effectively: there is still this physical violence, but it is does not have this penetrative or copulative aspect. it is purely his pleasure at seeing this racialized teenager suffer. (we even have a better evocation of eve talking him through the physical discomfort!)

i've yapped too long, but i think it's also interesting how the comic doesn't even actually take mark's hurt seriously, as much as people claim it. yes, he has the moment where he freaks out during sex; yes, he has that conversation with eve. it's a page and a half long, and she walks away to check on their daughter, and after said daughter has a medical scare, they only bring it up once again, for mark to say he's past it, and even that moment is immediately followed up with fatherhood. the evocation of mark as a victim is meant to contrast with the ideal of fatherhood—when mark is hurt and scared, he is not the father that kirkman thinks he's supposed to be. i have a longer essay about this, but the comic posits rape as this aberrant alterous force that preys upon the family, that the family can protect you from. it's precisely why it's worth scrutiny that anissa attacks after mark has broken up with eve.

[akari-hope]

no but fr xvi makes me so upset bc it has some things in it that are really fun and compelling. joshua as a character just has very good writing, dion is genuinely a revolutionary kind of character for the series, torgal is a delightful companion even if he's not very useful aside from making me smile, a lot of minor characters are charming, there's a couple of really beautiful tracks in there, the combat can be fun at times when it decides to be. but i have to lampshade all of my praise with the fact that basically everything else is either lackluster or straight up bad.

jill is...god we talk about people not knowing how to write women but jesus fucking christ why does she get the same amount of importance as the fucking dog (sorry but a blip of "oh she has trauma but we won't actually get into that save for an excuse for a boss fight" isn't enough to actually make a character). the romance feels so awkward i literally don't understand how anyone thinks it's compelling, how do you write two characters naked on a beach and still have it feel like they don't have interest in one another. it's a problem when side characters feel better written than your leading lady. not that clive is much better, but his interactions with other characters can bring out more interesting sides of him. there's a lot to be said for the game being a little eager for its m rating, and it comes through every now and then in the form of "did they need to be naked for that" and "was 'fuck' really the most natural word there". it's not bad exactly, just very...baby's first time at the grown-up table.

the combat for the most part is a "press square" simulator and there's zero meaningful strategy, not to mention elements have zero meaning and status effects are gone (despite having an enemy infamous for inflicting status effects appear multiple times in the main story??). there's too much reliance on the eikon battles to be spectacle and as someone that doesn't really care for spectacle or action in general it REALLY fucking shows. i end up not caring as much about the main cast since they hardly seem relevant half the time, and the fact that party members are really just for show and they do almost nothing practically is kind of just insult to injury. there's almost no accessibility features of any kind, and those that ARE present are either not great (different control layouts that are all equally awkward as opposed to just button mapping) or are tied to in-game accessories that take up a slot bc apparently equipping those means you don't actually need other accessories according to yoshida.

the story doesn't really feel like it does much between the prologue and the very end - things HAPPEN but they somehow don't feel much like it due to how episodic it feels, and most of the events are bogged down by poor quest design that feel primed to pad playtime rather than actually be engaging (I had to get past the 20 hour mark to not feel just straight up bored). most side quests are not rewarding either, neither by giving you in-game rewards or compelling stories/worldbuilding/etc. there is an archive of lore/events/etc. but you can only access it by either using the actively changing entries that are always available but are not comprehensive OR by going and talking to specific npcs, which is a decision i still cannot understand and made me literally never care to engage with it. not to mention that the worldbuilding makes almost no sense when you take a step back to contemplate for a minute. aside from those few tracks i find genuinely beautiful, the music is forgettable; not bad, just unremarkable. the end of the story ALMOST gets to a point where it feels like it's interesting and actually doing something cool, but it sort of just...doesn't?? and it isn't made better by that post-credits scene.

and yet somehow this title is critically acclaimed and has a huge amount of people in love with it too. i can't even use the "maybe it's just not for me" excuse bc i have always been a big fan of the series and the ways it changes and transforms (i've played and enjoyed every mainline game aside from v, xi, and xiv, and my favorite titles are iv, viii, xii, and xiii so like...). i genuinely have never understood praise LESS than with this title and it honestly drives me insane.

idk if i wanted to play an action rpg starring a protagonist on a revenge quest who turns into a "monster" and relearns how to find meaning in life through companionship that features engaging combat, a memorable soundtrack, compelling characters, and a story that feels meaningful...i'd just play tales of berseria. at least that has a well-written female lead.

[gofancyninjaworld]

just peopling

I don't think Murata knows what he does for me when he draws characters showing their more unguarded, vulnerable moments. And I don't mean when they're undergoing a profound emotional experience. Just the mundane, everyday activities.

It's not easy to depict mundanity in a story: real estate is precious, and Everything Has To Mean Something. So Murata finding space both within and around the chapters to ground the characters as people despite their abilities is precious.

Something that comes to mind is Scott McCloud's comment in his excellent book 'Understanding Comics', where he notes that depicting a superhero going to the bathroom is funny as we don't see these characters as human and it breaks our immersion. In One-Punch Man, the characters may be incredible and in a fantastic setting, but ONE and Murata have pulled off their also being so human there's nothing remarkable about them eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, or having a recycling schedule on the wall. It's not easy to do.

ONE does get mileage out of making superhumans doing ordinary things hilarious, but he does it by making the context funny. Sure, Sonic on the shitter is funny, but it's not funny because he's an impossible ninja having a shit as if he were human. We accept his humanity. It's why he's crapping his guts out that's hilarious: there's both the schadenfreude of seeing him hoisted by his own petard and the relief that because he's screwed up, he will stay human. Sure, Genos using his arm cannon to dry the dishes is funny, but not because he's a combat cyborg that probably costs the same as a fighter jet. He and Saitama ate. Of course the dishes need doing. It's that he's abusing a million-dollar piece of equipment to do something ordinary that's hilarious -- like an engineer abusing a high-powered laser to heat coffee [1].

Often, the context isn't funny for the sake of being funny. Genos cleaning the house? Not funny. Genos ignoring the sounds of battle outside because he can't bring himself to leave the house until he's cleaned up all traces of the previous night's party? Hilarious. However, it's not just funny: it's the setup for us seeing later the pots and bowls set out as the apartment is destroyed, all ready to start dinner as soon as Saitama comes back. He's prepared for a meal that neither will ever eat. We carry out our routines as if life will never change, even though we're aware it can be cut short at any time and in ways we cannot anticipate, and no amount of power or privilege changes that. In the meantime, we live.

Why do they go so far as to humanize the characters? Other than it being nice to see, it also allows the story to land points that otherwise couldn't work. Points such as everything takes time, effort, and attention and no one can do everything, but must needs choose, and these choices have consequences. That we need others to be human. That even the best relationships take work. That fulfilling yourself as a human being is a work in progress. That the idea of there being a 'thing' or 'state' that will make one happy is nonsense. That we can go too far. That we don't deserve second chances, but no one's counting.

Being human is complicated and frustrating and boring but oh so worth it. That's a big point that ONE wants to get across. And he can't do that if the very idea of a character needing the bathroom is hilarious.

[1] Obligatory health warning: do not fuck with lasers. A laser capable of warming your coffee in a useful time is both invisible and more likely to set you on fire than give you a warm beverage.

[uraniumnm333]

dropping more tsukasa kanade lore guys >>>

i think that after kanade has the initial tsukasa jumpscare they start to get along well but like. kanade talks to think man because even though she goes to the same school as mizuki GUESS WHO NEVER FUCKING ATTENDS !!! and once she talks to tsukasa long enough she's introduced to rui and nene by being invited to ★★★ SUPER COOL EAT-LUNCH-ON-THE-ROOF TIME [kool kats only ★★] ★★★ and kanade sits down like "okay. these people seem calm. theyre probably normal. i think. i can do this :]" and then emu. climbs onto the roof. and kanade thinks "OHFUCKOHSHIT NEVERMIND NEVERMINDNEVERMIND"

so they eat lunch and kanade is introduced to tsukasa's not boyfriend, tsukasa's not girlfriend and tsukasa's not girlfriend. and they have a good time !!! kanade gets along well with nene, but also doesn't because i think the two of them are the equivalent of the "shy people vs introverts" meme. rui is fun but kanade cannot understand that man for the life of herself. and. emu. so ironically tsukasa is the one she gets along with most.

so they hang out and also i think that kanade has tsukasa look over her compositions and has probably gotten him to play an actual piano bit for one of nightcord's songs. idk which you just gotta trust me. and one day kanade comes to their daily meet up thing which happens in the park because silly and tsukasa isn't doing his usual thing. bc when she usually comes tsukasa is happy and smiling like :D :D :D and helping out little kids on the playground equipment but this time nobody's here and he's just. off. and kanade can feel The Vibes but she goes over anyways. and she sees him and he sees her and suddenly he's happy again but this time it's all wrong. and she leaves and goes back home and she thinks back and realizes how Wrong all their interactions had felt. but at the same time it didn't. and she's trying to make sense of all this and talks to nightcord about it because who else would she talk to ??? and general consensus is "make discord server with him" so that's what she does. yes this results in silly tsukasa uses discord for the first time shenanigans. and they all start talking !!! ofc she introduces mizuki as mizuki but mafuyu and ena are left as "my online friends enanan and yuki"

tsukasa ends up inviting rui nene and emu because WHO ELSE ??? and rui dms kanade like "okay i know why you did this but we. are getting nothing out of this. also is yuki mafuyu from the all girls school that emu goes to ???" also SIDE PLOT with emu not feeling creeped out around yuki like she is mafuyu. just wanted to mention. anyways rui is like "i know who you are" and kanade is like "help me help you help your bf (boy best friend)" and idk how but eventually tsukasa just. breaks down.

it's not even anything special he's just in a discord vc w everyone and they start talking about fun things they did as children and tsukasa realizes he can't even remember talking to his parents unless it was over the phone and he just. goes quiet !!! and that's not normal because tsukasa is never quiet so everyone is just a teeny weeny bit worried. and then they hear this man. CRYING ???

so of COURSIES they all meet up in the empty sekai bc we love sekai mashups !!! and idk from there tbh im just bein silly atp

[coffee-in-veins]

Hi hi! I've only played the Crimson Court dlc once so I've never wondered about this before, but I was reading a fic that mentioned how the Fanatic has a cure for the curse. Do you have a headcanon on how he got that? I can't recall whether is it a definitive cure or if just temporary, because if it's a definitive cure that's very impressive!

hello hello! hope you're fine and thank you for the ask :}

now i feel like Crimson Curse expert all of the sudden but i'm honoured you're asking me about it ^^

regarding your question - it is true! one of the ways to cure your Crimson Cursed heroes is, in fact, hunting the Fanatic, as defeating him drops a consumable item labelled simply as "The Cure":

Tooltip reads:

Its origin and ingredients unknown, but this tincture will quell the Curse. (sic)

and it's a consumable that, if used on a cursed hero, permanently cures them from Crimson Curse, regardless of its stage. the cured hero can be re-infected but this is the only way to cure the Curse before endgame (where you have the Sanatorium being able to do it after defeating the final boss of the Court) and without defeating any of the CC bosses (the event "A Veil Lifted" which cures all of the infected).

this item also can somewhat explain how Fanatic is keeping himself Curse-free while fighting the infected, but from the looks of it, it comes at the expense of everyone around him. which is doubly funny (and a lot more insidious in-universe) if you consider that the only place you cannot get an encounter with him is... well, the Courtyard itself. the very "den of the plague" he is trying to purge. ironic, isn't it?

i understand the game limitations of why it is coded like that. the in-universe lore implications (or rather theories) of those limitations, however... well. let's look closer, shall we?

some people speculate that Fanatic cannot enter the Courtyard because he doesn't have "the invitation" that you get if you kill the Gatekeeper mob. this would indicate that he respects the authority of Bloodsuckers over the Court, which is... weird, for a zealous fanatic. why would having no invitation stop him? he could just get in and do his job. I can understand why the Heir(ess) would try to play "nice" with a den of Bloodsuckers just near their town: if you won't play by Bloodsuckers' rules, Bloodsuckers won't play by their rules either, and Hamlet, in canon, is in no shape to withstand an onslaught of pissed mosquitoes. the town is a sitting duck, and in no position to anger the neighbour substantially. especially considering already present threats from other areas (canon swine attacks on villages, brigand raids, as well as Shrieker raids from the Weald and attacks on ships from the Cove). Hamlet cannot afford to piss the Court off all at once.

unlike a single, highly skilled man who (supposedly) has no base and just hunts those things everywhere they happen to be. wouldn't he be able to get away with this? he should be, right. he has the equipment. if you win, you get bloodsucker-fighting trinkets.

however, I have a much more prosaic and dark headcanon: he's scared to go there. Fanatic knows how risky it is, he knows that he’ll get killed if he steps into the Courtyard. so he simply... doesn’t. he doesn’t go and actually try and fix the problem, he’s “treating” the symptoms.

and by “treating” I mean stalking infected humans.

who are weaker than “true” Bloodsuckers. who are confused, maybe ill from extreme body transformations, probably scared of themselves, of their changes and sudden urges and can barely control themselves. villagers and travellers who would probably trust “a holy man” who promised them salvation from this odd ailment.

and all those people... end up on pyres.

think about it. when you meet him in combat, there are always - and I do mean always - people burning in the background. hell, even your own heroes end up on the pyre during the fight. we also know that surrounding areas, too, have suffered from Bloodsuckers. the initial quest is about a man who died from mosquito bites after he found a way into the Courtyard - which, again, dismantles (at least, for me) the idea of Fanatic being unable to get into the Courtyard if he really wanted to.

the town event after the Court is revealed reads:

Intolerable! Clouds of mosquitoes and other, less identifiable pests continue to descend upon the Hamlet with maddening persistence! Illness and irritation abound (sic)

so mosquitos canonically pester people around. mosquitos which, canonically, can transfer this Curse. it's not just your heroes who succumb to the Curse. it's just that as an Heir(ess) you, personally, are only bothered with your heroes, as their well-being and symptoms cause you to haemorrhage money and you can't simply dismiss them. therefore, Fanatic always have an abundant amount of bodies to shove into the flames.

seriously, with the number of pyres he needs, the dude has to constantly chop wood every waking moment of every day that he's not out there hunting your parties.

and that got me thinking.

he always has wood. he always knows when your party which consists of infected leaves towns. he always has bodies burning.

I believe he's leading a cult.

there has to be someone who helps him. if you tried to play the game you know how much everything costs. food, equipment, items, tools - it all costs money. you can meet Fanatic everywhere, anytime, unless you're following a very specific boss route. so someone informs him of your movement. someone provides him with all he needs to sustain himself and his fires. and frankly, if surrounding villages do start succumbing to the Curse and the guy offers a solution, albeit a horrible one... well... it's Darkest Dungeon. we all know those guys would accept without thinking twice.

that's why you never see him deep in the Courtyard - he doesn't have to throw himself into real danger to feel accomplished, to stroke his self-righteousness and to be convinced that he's "helping". he has a lot of victims - that's true. but that is not helping with the root of the problem.

now, regarding why and how he has the Cure.

well, he is clearly shown to be the priest of the Light (considering his relics), or at least, he believes himself to be one. based on Vestals, Crusaders, and the altars you can find and purify in Ruins, the Light canonically can create miracles if you do it favours and believe hard enough. considering that the guy is called Fanatic, we can safely assume his belief levels are off the charts. and he has a lot of "martyrs". so... that may upset a lot of people, but I think the Cure (and the reason why you cannot get it made) is made out of those burned people. it's martyred ashes and holy water and a lot of self-assuredness. after all, holy water canonically harms cursed heroes (stress and blight if I recall correctly) if they are in a Bloodlust state. so it does something to their cursed bodies. just not enough.

if it's distilled and mixed some more, and purified by a person who sees himself as infallible... well. who knows. but the purity seals, the prayer beads and the overall Light symbolic on the Cure's bottle, mixed with previous awful things happening in DD universe (from Outsiders bonfire having Swine instead of a pig to all of the messed up occult rituals, all of the messed up practices of the Church of the Light, and Ancestor of all things...), it wouldn't surprise me to have this be the basis of the Cure. suffering. pure, distilled, holy (in the most horrible way of that word) human suffering.

wouldn't it be poetic too, in a way? horrible, sure, but... interesting? pooling the suffering of dozens so that the suffering of one could be lifted. the moral choice it presents.

I wish we knew better about the cure. I wish it provided this moral question. I wish heroes had some barks about using it. but alas. we can only speculate, as far as I'm aware. so, I'm speculating to my heart's content.

hope this theory was fun for you to read :}

[bloodgulchblog]

if you didn't want to hear some of my personal master chief characterization thoughts in no particular order it's too late because here they are:

- The Chief treats himself as an instrument he can use to provide for and safeguard others. He is, unfortunately, notoriously hard on his equipment.

- Anxiety is a part of the character, he's just a very productive and effective anxious person who is mostly good at managing himself. John didn't become the Spartan in charge because he is the smartest or the most dominant personality. He did it because the way he handles worry is to get the parts of the situation he can control on lock, he got pretty good at knowing his team and making that the part he could control, and the rest of them noticed. Spartan training took John's capacity for anxiety and honed it into a blade.

- The competitiveness has survived to adulthood as incredibly high standards for himself. He thinks about things in circles over and over a lot (How could I have done that better? How could I have prevented the bad thing from happening? If I were somehow smarter would things be better now?) and lies to himself to say he doesn't.

- Big "you little shit" energy. John likes to drop the oneliners. He likes to be this incredible, unflappable, wildly competent bastard that will facerush hell itself and still come back to fight again with an insane plan you never expected, and something calm and deadpan to say about it. He likes what this can let him be for people, he likes that he can support others and make them feel hope and security because he's there. This is his personality, but it's also a very important service he is consciously trying to provide. When someone shakes their head and calls him "you crazy son of a bitch" with that note of exasperated amazement, it makes John feel genuinely, unambiguously good about being who he is. He only acknowledges that it's important for practical morale reasons, but it's also very important to his heart, bro!

- Quiet. He doesn't like conversation, he knows he's not good at it and it's full of traps he can't figure out that will out him as a Weird Not Normal Person. When he inevitably gets uncomfortable and isn't sure what to say, he will usually 1) just stop talking or, if that is not viable, 2) direct it back to whatever The Mission is.

- Noninvasive to an extreme. He doesn't generally ask personal questions because he hates when people ask him personal questions, why not extrapolate that to everyone he meets???? Flawless strategy. Plus the war was horrifying on an incredible scale and just about everyone suffered or lived in terror of near future suffering. It would be rude to trip over the unmarked graves.

- Secretive. John is a Spartan, so it follows that he's poorly socialized and semi-feral. BUT, critically, he's also a grown adult with a lot of experience at being poorly socialized and semi-feral. He notices how other human beings react to him and tries to modify his behavior to produce the results he wants. (Mostly: Being left alone to do his job, being trusted that he is competent to do his job and you are in good hands with him here.) He can't fake a normal history, so he just avoids situations that expose his lack of normal experiences. He usually has a basic surface understanding of what behavior other people will tolerate as plausibly normal, and it's because there were times when he failed to meet normalcy expectations and that was dangerous. He has big secrets to protect. ONI was invested in him not fucking this up, and he is a fast learner. He learned to be careful. John cannot pass as a normal person if you get in close with him in detail and trap him in personal conversation for long enough, and he solves this problem by not letting anyone in close if he can help it.

- G E N T L E N E S S. John can make hard calls if he has to, but John cares about other people and does not want to hurt them unnecessarily if he can avoid it. The fact that we repeatedly see John take a moment to show gentleness to other people, despite how hard things have been for him and how often it would be expedient to just do something fast and get out of there, speaks volumes about him. He also knows he's not an ideal person to give care and gentleness. He'd prefer to hand that off to someone qualified. But if he's in a situation where no one else will do it, and especially if someone he cares for is involved...

- Self-isolating. He is protecting secrets, and he doesn't like hurting people. He doesn't want others getting attached to him, because getting attached to him means inevitable hurt when he has to reject attempts at bonding, fails at being a normal person for them, and (inevitably) must move on or possibly die. In his mind he's not a person that you can know, he's a deadly piece of ordnance with a specific application that can harm you if you approach it wrong. The courteous thing to do here is to keep other people out! John considers this the caring and compassionate answer.

- The job is everything. When John doesn't have a mission, he doesn't know who he is or what he wants. He is so used to having no control of his future anyway because his future is going to be the same as his present: spending all his time trying to prevent awful things from happening until it, one day, will kill him. He doesn't actually know what he'd do with free time, and he doesn't know what he'd want to do if he could have another future. Such considerations feel impossible, but also unacceptably selfish. How could he live any other way, given that so much terrible stuff is happening at all times and he's capable of doing something about it???? The world is always on his shoulders and he's so tired and worried but if he stops, who will be him? Every time he ends up at the center of stopping some incredible world-ending threat, it reinforces his fear that if he ever falters, something Horrible is going to happen.

- HUGE cognitive dissonance about sacrifice. Sacrificing one innocent life for the possibility it will save many others is a thing he has canonically decided is not okay (Sgt. Johnson in First Strike.) He also, however, would insist that it's fine that he was an innocent life treated as an acceptable sacrifice. He likes being what he is. He has no regrets about being a Spartan, he likes being useful and capable and wouldn't change it if he could. He has not reconciled these ideas and honestly, he probably isn't ready to. If he were confronted with this, he'd bail the fuck out of that conversation.

- John is cute sometimes, always without meaning to be. If you are afraid to let the Master Chief have a little moment where he slips and is accidentally cute or a little vulnerable every once in a while, it's okay to loosen up. John wants to be a more perfect machine that never misses a beat ever, but that's his goal and not his reality. It would be honestly terrible for him if he were to succeed.

- Please John go to therapy, you are astonishingly functional while hurting yourself in this way and that's sort of admirable but please.